I lied. I thought this post was going to be my big counseling "Ah Ha" moment, but then I realized I never told you WHY? I decided to start counseling. Maybe next week you will get the "Ah Ha" this week you get the Why.
Why, we do things is a pretty big deal. In fact if you don't know WHY you are doing something it might be time to see a counselor yourself.
From the outside my life looked like it was going pretty well. I had just finished my masters, I loved my job, my two oldest children were in college and progressing along, my two younger kids were doing great, and my marriage was what one would expect after 21 years. We like each other most days and somedays we aren't very fond of one another. You know totally normal.
However, I was living on the edge. As if any moment the worse that could possibly happen was going to happen. Brent says I was touchy. I explained to my counselor I was like a field full of land minds. You were never quite sure where to step without one (me) blowing up.
*I'm talking in past tense but I shouldn't be. I'm still working on the touchy, land mind, beware where you step me. She is freaking scary!
I could feel I was coming unstitched and my life was falling into some patterns that I did not like. I have become kind of obsessed with patterns. Because really our whole lives follow patterns and if those patterns start to harm more than help it can be difficult to change.
Also, I was very dissatisfied with my inner dialogue.
Here I am right in the middle of a huge life transition and my inner dialogue was screaming and kicking. My inner self was going to have nothing to do with these adult children and their adult choices. My inner voice wanted control, wanted everyone to do what I say, or else.
Which is 199% unhealthy.
It wasn't even slightly healthy. It wasn't even remotely helpful. How do we change that inner dialogue? How do we change our desires and our wants when they seem so necessary for our happiness?
My training was to pray, read my scriptures, and attend my church meetings. But I was a little mad and when you're a little mad prayer and the rest of that stuff becomes near impossible and almost entirely ineffective.
Then in the middle of what I like to call my extensional life crisis my bother died.
That was a sucker punch that sent me right off the edge I had been sitting. I'm not ready to explain what happened but let's just say it is like everything just broke. Who I thought I was. How I thought I fit in this world. What my future looked like. It just all broke. Everything that I had desperately been trying to hold onto fell out of place.
Of course you pull it all together... you glue, and bubble gum the pieces together as quickly as you can. You're a mother, you're a wife, you're a teacher, you don't have time to be a mess.
However, I knew that all the bubble gum in the world wasn't going to keep me together if I didn't get help. I needed someone to help me figure out how to survive what I now refer to as "The Middle," help me be less angry, and most importantly pull me away from the edge.
This all sounds very dramatic. Perhaps it wasn't all this dramatic and I am taking liberties with my words. Perhaps it was more dramatic and there aren't words to explain. Either way I found myself sitting on the couch of a counselor letting him know just how angry I was.
Did you know I posted on Wednesday? Check it out.
Why, we do things is a pretty big deal. In fact if you don't know WHY you are doing something it might be time to see a counselor yourself.
From the outside my life looked like it was going pretty well. I had just finished my masters, I loved my job, my two oldest children were in college and progressing along, my two younger kids were doing great, and my marriage was what one would expect after 21 years. We like each other most days and somedays we aren't very fond of one another. You know totally normal.
However, I was living on the edge. As if any moment the worse that could possibly happen was going to happen. Brent says I was touchy. I explained to my counselor I was like a field full of land minds. You were never quite sure where to step without one (me) blowing up.
*I'm talking in past tense but I shouldn't be. I'm still working on the touchy, land mind, beware where you step me. She is freaking scary!
I could feel I was coming unstitched and my life was falling into some patterns that I did not like. I have become kind of obsessed with patterns. Because really our whole lives follow patterns and if those patterns start to harm more than help it can be difficult to change.
Also, I was very dissatisfied with my inner dialogue.
Here I am right in the middle of a huge life transition and my inner dialogue was screaming and kicking. My inner self was going to have nothing to do with these adult children and their adult choices. My inner voice wanted control, wanted everyone to do what I say, or else.
Which is 199% unhealthy.
It wasn't even slightly healthy. It wasn't even remotely helpful. How do we change that inner dialogue? How do we change our desires and our wants when they seem so necessary for our happiness?
My training was to pray, read my scriptures, and attend my church meetings. But I was a little mad and when you're a little mad prayer and the rest of that stuff becomes near impossible and almost entirely ineffective.
Then in the middle of what I like to call my extensional life crisis my bother died.
That was a sucker punch that sent me right off the edge I had been sitting. I'm not ready to explain what happened but let's just say it is like everything just broke. Who I thought I was. How I thought I fit in this world. What my future looked like. It just all broke. Everything that I had desperately been trying to hold onto fell out of place.
Of course you pull it all together... you glue, and bubble gum the pieces together as quickly as you can. You're a mother, you're a wife, you're a teacher, you don't have time to be a mess.
However, I knew that all the bubble gum in the world wasn't going to keep me together if I didn't get help. I needed someone to help me figure out how to survive what I now refer to as "The Middle," help me be less angry, and most importantly pull me away from the edge.
This all sounds very dramatic. Perhaps it wasn't all this dramatic and I am taking liberties with my words. Perhaps it was more dramatic and there aren't words to explain. Either way I found myself sitting on the couch of a counselor letting him know just how angry I was.
Did you know I posted on Wednesday? Check it out.
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